Who wouldn´t want to be happy all the time? Certaintly I used to wish for that, but that only led me to an anxious, very sad and depressing path.
I´ve always wanted to enjoy life, to do things with love, to feel happy, but then I never found that very thing that could make me REALLY happy. I´d start projects over and over with the hope that they would finally be IT. The love of my life, my dream job, my true calling. I made radical decisions in the search for all that but I could never found it. Whenever I´d start a new project I´d feel excited, happy and at the top of the world. I´d feel like I had a reason to be on this planet, on this life, then by the second or third month I´d feel disappointed and lost, back to square one. Like I already learned whatever I needed to learn from that particular project and now it was useless. I felt bored. And I always had this awful feeling of emptiness and unsatisfaction that I´d fill with food or cigarrettes and then more food.
This has been the behaviour pattern of my life since I can remember. I´ve had super high ups but then the lows would be just as strong and destructive as the highs were constructive. I realized I built up very cool things in my life just so I could destroy them later. And the insane part of it all is that a very hidden part of me would feel some sort of pleasure from doing so. But with every battle a part of my body, mind and sipirt would get hurt too. And then I just couldn´t do it anymore. That´s when I decided I wanted to stop suffering and then I realized that my search for happiness was making me very unhappy.
What I´m trying to say is that maybe happiness is not the key. Happiness is an emotion and like every emotion of every human being it has a beginning and an end and when happiness ends it doesn´t feel good at all and then you´ll feel compelled to look for more happiness and people will do anything to get that happiness rush again. Yes, I was living my life as a junkie, a happiness junkie, and that wasn´t cool at all.
When I decided to stop looking for happiness at first I felt confused and very very lost. But everyday that went by I was living more often in the present moment. I would consciously stop thinking of the past or the future and I was trying no to worry about what would happen in my life if I did or didn´t do whatever I was doing at the moment. It´s not such an easy thing to do and I can´t get to stop thinking or worrying at all everytime I try it, but the few seconds at first and now minutes that I actually stop worrying or fantasizing I feel at ease. My body, mind and spirit finally get some rest. I´m at peace.
The cool thing about peace is that you don´t have to look for it, it is right there, beneath all of our problems and stuff. There´s no highs and lows. It is just a nice state of acceptance. We just have to be present and live in the now so we can enter into this peaceful state of being. And we don´t have to stop living our daily lives to be at peace. We can still do whatever it is that we do being conscious of the peace that relies in the present moment.
So for me happiness wasn´t the key. Happiness is a human emotion that I´ll feel sometimes and some others I won´t, but that´s ok, it´s part of being human. I don´t need to look for it and I don´t need to look for peace either because it´s right there I just have to open my body and my mind to see it, to be it. It doesn´t run out, it just is. You can try it for a few seconds or minutes of your day, even while you do stuff, just don´t think about what you do or anything else. Focus in the task, put your entire attention in what you are or are not doing… and then tell me what happened.
I wish you peace and love in your lives, as hippie as it may sound 😉